the tramadol diaries

Moving on

2005-07-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

I've moved this blog into the new Typepad blog at http://basquette.typepad.com. I may end up creating separate blogs for political commentary and for The Tramadol Diaries (the nonfiction book I am working on), but for now - go there. No more entries will be made here, but I'll keep it up for a bit, as I work to mine past entries for the book.

One of these days...

2005-06-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

I’m going to take a real class. Until then, I’m doing pretty well on my own. I am enjoying my subscription to Yoga Journal immensely. There was an article in the current issue about strength – different kinds, where they “come” from, which ones are most useful. Also, there were some good tips for increasing arm strength. Not quite ready for the arm balance asanas, but it’ll help me achieve a good chatauranga!

I’m also rising at 4:30 (most days – been having sleeping difficulties lately, and so also having difficulty rising on time). I do half an hour of morning pages (which are going to change into Natalie Goldberg-esque writing practice, soon), and then about 45 minutes of asanas – sun salutes, and various reclining leg stretch asanas – followed by 15 minutes of meditation. Yesterday, I think I overdid it a bit, and so I eased up today. Feeling better. It’s hard to know how to play on the edges of my ability without crossing the line into “pushing myself too hard.” But I’m learning!

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

Calling this one done

2005-05-25T13:01:00.000-05:00

This has been an ongoing project of mine since childhood. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Everyone in the world has this problem, to some degree, whether they realize it, are working on it, or act the complete opposite or not. It’s true.

2. NOBODY IS PERFECT. I have to periodically remind myself of this. Just because I’m not perfect, does not mean that I have not earned the “right” to be confident.

3. EVERYONE deserves to feel confident. There is no right to earn. It is a right, period.

4. Confidence comes from setting goals, achieving them, and recognizing your success. It comes from beliefs, which are best when supported by actual events that produced real, solid sensations and emotions that you can then recall and use to foster and support your beliefs about your own confidence and skill level, which then helps you set goals and achieve them. It’s a nice, neat little cycle. And it works like that.

5. If all else fails, fake it. It becomes real after awhile. And until it does, it has the exact same effect.

6. It’s crucial. NOBODY wants to hire you, date you, have anything to do with you on a long-term or in-depth basis if you don’t have some degree of confidence.

7. Confidence does NOT mean selfishness, egoism, or bluster. You can be a nice person and a confident one at the same time.

See more progress on: get my confidence back

Can't handle Atkins

2005-05-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Just can’t. It thoroughly screws with my digestion, no matter how much fiber and water I take in. And I can’t abide the bloated feeling. So I’m back to low-calorie, low-fat, reduced-sugar. Which – surprise! – leaves whole grains, lean protein, and fruits/veggies.

Huh.

See more progress on: lose weight

Rohinton Mistry and my efforts to read him like a book

2005-05-16T11:22:00.000-05:00

Hee. I love bad puns.

I got a great book from Amazon Marketplace – last one for awhile, see Thing #1! – about his work. After I take care of the globalization subject, I’m going to tackle – nay, dive with relish into this one.

See more progress on: Read everything ever written by Rohinton Mistry

I'm SERIOUS.

2005-05-12T12:47:00.000-05:00

And to prove that I’m serious, to myself as much as anyone else, I’ve reordered my list of things to put this thing in the number 1 spot.

I spent my lunch time browsing for resources. There are a ton, to be blunt. I was a little overwhelmed. Thankfully, there’s a great website called www.myshingle.com that puts it all in one place for me. Yay, Carolyn! Thank you.

So I printed off some of the preliminary “this is what’s involved” articles and read them all. I began a separate goal page for this project in my planner, and I took one of those Myers Brigg tests (INTJ, for anyone who’s interested), to see if I “have what it takes.” Bottom line: I don’t care if I don’t have what it takes right now – I’ll spend the next year getting it.

So then I started laying out some preliminary steps and deadlines to meet them. The most exciting one for me is the last one – well, ok, the last two, given recent events:

8. Give notice. April 17, 2006.
8. Open up. May 17, 2006.

Holy guacomole. There it is, in black and white. No turning back now. I debated giving two weeks’ notice. But this is a small office, and my absence will have a large impact, and I don’t want to lose potential referrals or business, but also? I don’t want to start my solo life off on anything other than a positve note reflecting my deepest truest values, because THAT’S why I’m doing this to begin with. And I just don’t want to treat the people I work with that way – because I wouldn’t want to be treated that way if our roles were reversed.

My next steps: I have two weeks in July coming up on leave, where I will spend the time doing some deep self-evaluation on topics like – what kind of law practice do I want to build? what do I need to improve on? what are my current strengths? where do I see this going in ten years?

I plan to have my first draft of a preliminary budget by August 31 of this year, and my first draft of the business plan by Halloween. Early next year I’ll begin moving into specific tasks like puchasing equipment (or leasing), finding space (or building an effective home office), pinning down financing/funding, etc. The funding is going to be the biggest part of this, I have no doubt – or the most critical rather, because I think the biggest part is the business plan and the stuff that goes into it – but I am determined to make it. One way or the other, I will find a way for this to happen in ONE YEAR.

So it is written. So it shall be done.

See more progress on: Open my own law firm

'twould be nice...

2005-05-10T09:59:00.000-05:00

... if I could do my job without feeling like I’m under a microscope or hammered at, attacked, besieged, bedeviled, and beset at every turn by the forces of darkness. OK - that may be a bit of hyperbole. I’m not sure how much, though. I’m scared to get that close to the detractors. What if they really are of Satan? Is there some safe clear-zone radius for the devil, where if you’re, say, at least ten feet away he can’t get you with the lasers that shoot out of his beady little red eyes? Eh – better safe than sorry.

I kid because I can, frankly, and it’s better than crying or allowing the arrogant ass the satisfaction of knowing that he got to me and that The Meeting that’s going on right now is causing me one microsecond of anxiety.

See more progress on: be a brilliant expert at what I do

rising before the dawn

2005-05-09T11:28:00.000-05:00

I’ve started something brand new and scary this week: getting up at 4:30 AM to write morning pages, do yoga, and generally set a positive spin on the day. The reason it scares me is that it’s not just a wake-up time – it’s a lifestyle. I never thought of myself before as the kind of person who gets up at 4:30 to do yoga. I wonder what’s next – crunchy granola and green tea? Oops, I did have a cup last night … sigh There goes the neighborhood. I have nothing against crunchy granola types. I just have never considered myself one. This is a brand new me, and a brand new way of being/living/thriving. I think it’s certainly a positive move, but it did get me thinking about the fears we have about changing, and how sometimes, they go beyond fear of failure/ fear of success/fear of the thing itself.

This? Is a brand new fear! Fun!

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

Desparate Lawyers

2005-05-04T11:03:00.000-05:00

I really need to get this one done. Soon.

See more progress on: Open my own law firm

DONE!

2005-05-02T12:16:00.000-05:00

I dusted, clorox’d, vinegar-and-baking-soda’d, polished, corner-swabbed-with-Q-tips-and-murphy’s-oil-soap, vacuumed, soaked, washed, dried, scraped, scrubbed, and swept all weekend, except for a brief respite for soccer and a trip to the park with a 5 year old.

I am DONE for 2005.

See more progress on: spring clean my house

Not finished with the book...

2005-05-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

But I did a LOT of cleaning this weekend – so much that it hurt, Saturday night! I am about halfway through with this book. I get some of the major issues – the need for a legal infrastructure that supports openness and ethical behavior being the most surprising yet commonsensical to me. I want to know more, though. LOTS more.

See more progress on: understand globalization

Started working on the workbook last night.

2005-04-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

It’s – interesting. I think it’s aimed at people who are aging and/or worried about Alzheimers and dementia, as opposed to just generally trying to improve your memory. But the exercises are really applicable across the board, I think. For instance, the first, rather exploratory/self-analytical task was to read a long-ish essay about a fictional character cleaning out his garage. During the course of the essay, the guy ran across and associated memories with various objects – hubcaps, old LPs, a grill, etc. – and towards the end, maybe four items from the last, he found “the first evening dress he’d ever worn – pink, satin, strapless, with a bow” that “fit him perfectly.” Of course, the point being that those things that are unexpected and/or engender an emotional response (the humor of a guy in drag, or the emotional upset some might experience at the same image) will increase the likelihood of recall.

See more progress on: improve my memory

From a comment to another user's post...

2005-04-29T12:17:00.000-05:00

This applies to what I’m calling “change management” – how we approach change and how we go about creating real, meaningful change in our lives:

I’ve been a big fan of change management for a long time. I love people who can do it seemingly effortlessly – those who “get” it. I am in awe of the different ways they can do it. I enjoy reading about different approaches to it – wholesale vs. one tiny thing? willpower vs. many little choices over time? The biggest change I’ve noticed in my own approach to this topic since I started using this site is a keen, honed intensity, like nothing I’ve ever really experienced before. I see all these “things” in relation to each other now. I see myself moving down and around, and through this multi-dimensional path, and I see the destination.

And exactly so, on that last sentence. My convention is always to leave one thing-space empty (max: 42), as a symbol of my belief that there’s always something else out there to fascinate us – something else to accomplish and live for – no such thing as perfection! But when I scratch the next thing off my list, the new thing is going to be:

Learn to seek out and listen with an open heart to differing points of view.

Cheers!

See more progress on: be an expert change agent

COOL!

2005-04-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

Found some guidelines on msnbc.com

- for bed and bath: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7588156/

- for kitchen: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7575529/

- for living areas: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7558716/

Brought to you by Today Show and Real Simple magazine, it seems.

See more progress on: spring clean my house

Competing with my other things

2005-04-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

Everything else I want to do costs money. But this is, supposedly, my number one goal. How to reconcile this apparent conflict? We all set priorities. Do I still mean this? Is this my priority above all else? I think it should be. Without it, my career development prospects are dimmed, I can’t have another kid, and the stress level is through the roof, which affects EVERY thing else, including my weight. What a grand statement it would be to delete every other thing on my list and leave this.

But I am not ready to do that yet, if ever. I like variety and the whirlwind of swirling interests that surrounds me. It comforts me. I am no Spartan.

See more progress on: pay off my debt

a les livres!

2005-04-28T08:49:00.000-05:00

Got to get back to work on this French fluency thing. I really, really need to get back to it. I am thinking considerably about reupping my Champs Elysees subscription and going for the super-duper-deluxe edition with the study guide and all.

See more progress on: become fluent in french

spring cleaning

2005-04-28T08:48:00.000-05:00

Goal: today – plan out the spring cleaning blitz for the interior and exterior, complete with steps, dates, and assignments between the two (three) of us.

End of week – get my bits done.

See more progress on: decrease clutter

Act Globally

2005-04-28T08:46:00.000-05:00

3 chapters down. Goal is to finish Lexus this week, then seek out and devour opposing points of view.

See more progress on: understand globalization

Comfortably Wired

2005-04-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

News flash: Tramadol is having an effect on me.

I find myself lately being really earnest and blurt-y. These are not desirable character traits for a lawyer, people. These are, in fact, Bad Things.

The upside is I feel like I could take on the world.

See more progress on: Get off the tramadol

Starting off with ...

2005-04-26T13:42:00.000-05:00

... The Lexus and the Olive Tree. Read two chapters last night, hope to have it finished by the weekend. Any ideas on what to read or look at next, to understand this incredibly complex “new” system?

See more progress on: understand globalization

Done!

2005-04-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

Nice to see these things start ticking off. Cross Morph, quicksilver ballpoint, medium blue refills, at GoldSpot – after a bizrate evaluation and verification of lowest price – Go Goldspot!

http://www.goldspot.com/prodView.cfm?partno=472-4

See more progress on: Buy a classy new pen

starting out with selfpublishing

2005-04-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

This is connected to the books I want to write, and that thing, as well. I’ve always envisioned myself going the traditional route – you know, oodles of submissions, agent, oodles more submissions, book deal – but I want to explore this option. I read the article in the Book Review in the Times on Sunday, and learned a lot. I want to post some links, read up, summarize what I learned, and reach a conclusion.

Time Frame for all that: Two months from today – we’ll call it June 30, 2005.

See more progress on: learn about self-publishing

Done!

2005-04-26T10:42:00.000-05:00

I have lost my fear of self-tanners forever. The steps could not be easier.

Bathe and shave.

Exfoliate really well.

Dry off impeccably – no moisturizers

Select the right shade and brand – aerosols mimic the flawlessness of airbrushing, but some of the new lotions (Coppertone sunless, for one) go on very smoothly and streak-free

GO. SLOWLY. Take your time, use long even strokes, and don’t rush. Go one body part at a time. Or part of a part.

Go light around the face, elbows, ankles/heels, and knees.

I look healthy, and I didn’t have to risk skin cancer to do it! I’m marking this baby DONE and WORTH IT.

See more progress on: learn how to apply self-tanner flawlessly

what will make me brilliant?

2005-04-25T15:11:00.000-05:00

Many things – some of them overlapping other things:

time management

focus

desire

memory improvement

speed(ier) reading

improved comprehension

knowledge/project management

What am I doing to see these things come to fruition?

ordered the memory book and will start working in it daily

implement a variation of t/m skills based on a marriage of tony robbins’ “rpm” system and the franklin-covey planner system

keep my time – not necessary in the kind of practice I have but will help me track my progress in becoming faster and more efficient

maintaining my diet, supplementation, exercise, yoga, and rest needs scrupulously

spending thirty minutes every day reading something I don’t have to related to the industry I serve or my profession in general (trade/law magazines, websites, etc.)

then translating the key points from that reading into my planner’s “notes” section – just the salient info, bulleted format, for easy reference later

so-called “soft skills” – people skills, political skills, listening/conversational/leadership skills – identify where I’m weak and where I’m strong, and set forth some plan for improvement

See more progress on: become brilliant at what I do for a living

Office Yoga

2005-04-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

Or chair yoga, as you like. I’ve started practicing during the day, adding brief 5 minute routines here and there, consisting basically of the poses listed in this Yoga Journal article: http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/949_1.cfm

Due to financial constraints I had to cancel the order I wrote about earlier, but I don’t intend to let it stop me from the kind of yoga I’d be doing if I hadn’t cancelled the order. (Hope that sentence made sense. New crap always makes us practice harder, at least at first. This way, I have to dig from within to motivate me towards the mat.)

I also started re-reading Meditations from the Mat, a terrific book I ordered from Amazon last year and never got around to reading. It is formatted into daily topics, which allow the reader to explore a brief aspect of the Sutras or asanas or practice generally. It’s really quite refreshing and inspiring.

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

progress!

2005-04-22T15:34:00.000-05:00

woot! 8 pounds.

See more progress on: lose weight

Souped up stuff

2005-04-22T11:53:00.000-05:00

I treated myself to some cool stuff to motivate me back to the mat, again. I got a new sticky mat to replace the one my dear departed Elkhound used as a chew toy, a water bottle, a cool “om” necklace, some incense, and a free bag for it all. The only thing I really needed was the mat, but – eh. It’s been a tough week for me. I’ll hop back on the frugal train now.

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

Yoga party

2005-04-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

Current work trauma is making me interested in a deeper spiritual practice with a physical component to help me remain centered and peaceful and do good work in all my tasks and “things.” It’s interesting to have an “enemy” post-grade school – I want to remain open through this process and not let this person’s malevolence towards me bring me down or affect my self-esteem or level of functioning.

I intend to pare down my other exercise activities, since that will be necessary to deal with this new threat anyway and the needs it’s created in my work life. I plan to focus on my morning pages from 5 to 5:30 AM, then engage in a full practice from 5:30 to 6:15, which will let me resume my normal “getting ready” schedule. Additionally, I’m going to add a few sessions to my noon-day office yoga practice (mid-morn and mid-afternoon), and do a brief 15 minute session to wind down at night. That ought to be enough yoga for anyone, even a stressed-out, embattled warrior like me.

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

Yoga party

2005-04-21T14:38:00.000-05:00

I intend to pare down, since that will be necessary to deal with this new threat anyway and the needs it’s created in my work life. I plan to focus on my morning pages from 5 to 5:30 AM, then engage in a full practice from 5:30 to 6:15, which will let me resume my normal “getting ready” schedule. Additionally, I’m going to add a few sessions to my noon-day office yoga practice (mid-morn and mid-afternoon), and do a brief 15 minute session to wind down at night. That ought to be enough yoga for anyone, even a stressed-out, embattled warrior like me.

See more progress on: deepen and strengthen my yoga practice

Pope!

2005-04-19T11:42:00.000-05:00

And the funny hat goes to ....

Rats. I mean, Ratzinger. Benedict XVI? Whatever. Back to work.

blogging the pope-cam

2005-04-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

White smoke? Black smoke? Grey? Not black. White? Looks white to me.

Rohinton Mistry

2005-04-18T13:46:00.000-05:00

This is a new thing. I’ve always wanted to take one author and read my way through his or her oeuvre, slowly and deliberately, and become really intimately familiar with it. So Mistry it is. Started with A Fine Balance and am plodding through Family Matters now.

See more progress on: Read everything ever written by Rohinton Mistry

Where I'm at en Francais

2005-04-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

I took three years in high school (20 years back – sheesh) and one semester in college. I’ve forgotten most, but I really, really want this. So I’m listening to and reading as much of the about.com French site as possible. I have about 6 past issues of a French language audio CD magazine called “Champs Elysees” which is awesome, and as soon as cash flow permits, will re-up. In the meantime, I’m going over the basics again, and starting with pronunciation and verb conjugation – the stuff that I hated the first time around. Theory: If I can master that, I’ll be good for the rest.

See more progress on: become fluent in french

Had some more interesting ideas

2005-04-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

... for novels this morning on the walk with the dog. It was essentially a case of my imagination running away with me, and from there, just playing “what if”? And it went like this:

Oh god is that a man peeking in little neighbor Anna’s window? No, just a tree..

.. but what if it was a guy?

... and what if he was a pedophile? ... a serial pedophile? ... and what if Rose weren’t my dog but someone else’s – and I was dog-sitting… and what if I weren’t a lawyer but a retired canine cop turned dog trainer … and what if this weren’t an open subdivision but a gated one and the dad couldn’t get the police interested because I caught the guy peeking so no crime was actually committed … but why wouldn’t they be interested … maybe he died while he was in my custody … and how did he die? ... he had a poison pill, which – the hell? Why would a pedophile carry around cyanide? .... maybe he wasn’t really a pedophile but ….

And there I’m stopping, in case I actually decide to write this one.

See more progress on: write a book

Recently made a new friend....

2005-04-15T14:45:00.000-05:00

... a former National Party chair! He’s terrific. Hope to see him at the state convention soon. I bet he’d have some awesome ideas about becoming more active and more of a Party asset.

See more progress on: become an active, vital member of the Democratic Party

Redoing the Artist's Way

2005-04-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

I have really enjoyed my past experiences with this program, so I thought I’d rekindle the writing fire, to add a bit of creativity to my life that I think I have missed, honestly. So, when hubby said he wanted to go through it, I found myself, surprisingly, volunteering to go through it with him.

I’m on Day Five right now. Morning Pages (MPs) have been a problem, honestly, but only because of time. One day, my daughter interrupted me by surprise at 5:30 AM (way before her normal rising – something woke her up). Another time, I had a sudden attack of a stomach bug – only got one page done. Then yesterday, I realized I hadn’t left enough time to do them properly, and found myself having to go wake up the rest of the family to get ready for the day 2 pages in.

I resolve to do better. Not sure where I want to go on my Artist’s Date this week. I’m thinking a museum, or gallery. Or maybe take my sketch book to the beach.

See more progress on: Read the Artist’s Way Again

The Fed giveth and the IRS taketh away...

2005-04-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

My tax bill this year is $3,700, between the IRS and the state.

I need an aspirin or 20.

See more progress on: pay off my debt

Lawyers R Us

2005-04-13T12:33:00.000-05:00

Right now, of course, I work “inhouse” in a government unit. On the basis of the nature of this “house” and the particular division of the unit I’m employed with/do work for, it’s very much like being a corporate counsel, with the added twist that I’m also a public employee.

This morning I had an interesting experience that impacts this “thing” of owning my own firm: I went to court.

I rarely get to do this, mind you. I was filling in for another lawyer in the unit who had a conflicting trial. It was a simple motion to dismiss, and it was easy, and I didn’t win because – well, for a few reasons, which aren’t material – but the salient points I took away were that I wasn’t that nervous about it, I did well, and I enjoyed myself.

It’s easy to feel like you’re not a real lawyer in a position like mine (because you don’t have a lot of clients, don’t litigate or go to court frequently, etc.) – it seems more like being a crisis manager or risk manager sometimes. So, it was good to find out I do enjoy being a “real lawyer” too.

See more progress on: Open my own law firm

Weight loss: the never ending struggle

2005-04-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

Day three on Atkins for me – I should start seeing some results soon. The headaches from yesterday have all dissipated, considerably. I feel pretty damn good today. Feel lighter, too, though the fibro is still acting up. I am nervous about the effect this diet has on my fibromyalgia, and also what the tramadol’s doing in my system. It’s almost like it’s losing effectiveness – the next step in dependence? Or is the pain increasing? It’s so bloody hard to tell. Well, another odd side effect of losing weight, I guess, is that it’ll be like upping my dose as I do.

See more progress on: lose weight

What being a change agent means to me ...

2005-04-12T13:07:00.000-05:00

It seems to me this whole process is all about change – successful, group-linked, group-supported change. What I want to accomplish, in addition to my myriad and sundry little and big things, is to hone my skills as a conductive agent for the process of change. I want to learn how people change – what foils them – how they get around obstacles – what keeps them plugging along during “plateaus” where no results are visible. I want to learn how to easily and efficiently get that successful process rolling in my life, and in others.

My status on this goal: I’ve read/listened to most of Tony Robbins’ tapes on the subject of change and meeting goals. I have some massive ideas in my head.

My next steps: Plug these ideas into a creed for change – a manifesto of change – my change bible. Maybe later I’ll turn it into a book, but this will be my composite creation of all the things that one needs to know in order to change, or help someone else change.

See more progress on: be an expert change agent

Progress on the mail

2005-04-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

My hubby and I took the whole afternoon yesterday (kid at Nanna’s) to talk about pending financial issues and general annoyances/goals. We decided lots of things – see other posts soon to come for details) – but one of the things we did that rocks my world was pitch in together to go through, sort, file, organize, and shred (as appropriate) all the piling-up mail I referenced in the earlier entry. So – GO US!

See more progress on: decrease clutter

Hopping on a passing bandwagon

2005-04-11T13:53:00.000-05:00

Well, for the fourth time, I’m trying Atkins. I wonder why I’m doing this, really. The last three times, it didn’t “take.” I couldn’t live without my fruits. Why am I trying it again? Because it’s the only method that showed me results. I hope I cna figure out what went wrong the last three times and fix it this time. But my head hurts, and I’m hungry, yet I don’t want anything I can have. I don’t know if this is just pathetic whining inherent in any newly restricted program, and I’ll get used to it if I give it some time. I know I HAVE to lose weight, and I know this works. Is it worth it, though? We’ll see what happens. I’m not giving up yet.

See more progress on: lose weight

This just in:

2005-04-09T18:21:00.000-05:00

I really want to learn to tango. I’m listening to Astor Piazzolla’s Adios Nonino, and it came over me like a wave. I just really want to dance again, and more than that – I really want to tango.

See more progress on: Learn to tango

My book

2005-04-08T09:33:00.000-05:00

I have two books in my head. One of them is a nonfiction memoir/polemic about the way I’ve dealt with pain, and the way American medical professionals and society in general deal (or don’t deal) with the subject and those who suffer from chronic pain. The other is a work of fiction (and well, to be honest, I think there are actually seven or eight or forty of those ideas in my head).

Right now, I’m trying to focus on some of these other goals that I think are more crucial to my sense of wellbeing. But I’m still thinking about it, mulling over ideas and which one “speaks” to me more.

See more progress on: write a book

Clutter-be-gone

2005-04-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

I’ve managed to keep my house clutter free for a whole three days now! Go me! We started leaving the dog out during the day and hence must keep items off the floor and couch/chairs, to prevent her from mistaking them for doggie chews. So, my house (at least the main rooms) looks terrific – clean, neat, organized.
One major element – well, two – still remain.
1. The mail. Must get a hold of the mail. It’s threatening to swallow the house.
2. My books beside my bed. Good lord, how many are down there, anyway? Dozens. Must organize and get this pile in some semblance of order.

See more progress on: decrease clutter

Getting a hold of my cash

2005-04-08T09:19:00.000-05:00

It’s been an interesting wild ride lately with the money scene. I haven’t been able to catch my breath, it seems, with all the money in and out, the cash from the auctions in and the fees from the auctions out (eBay is expensive, y’all), the late payments from all the medical bills piling on late last year – sigh.

So, I’m doubly proud of myself that I seem to be improving my grasp on my wallet, and have started scheduling my bills in my planner by due date, by payday, and by date I need to send the payment. I’ve started writing down all my expenses in the planner as well, so I’m getting a good sense of how much I’m getting nickle’d-and-dime’d here (and it’s a lot – let’s just say ATMs are not my friend right now!).

I think these steps are going to improve my credit score by keeping me on time with those payments. Since I’ve also signed up for automatic withdrawal on three of those accounts, that will force me to put the brakes on the personal spending and keep the cash in the account for the upcomign withdrawal, which I can’t stop. No discretion = no variance = prompt payments.

See more progress on: pay off my debt

The Artist's Way

2005-04-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

What a terrific book! I so recommend it, and its progeny (“The Artist’s Way At Work,” etc.). No matter what your calling in life, your vocation, your dreams – whether you think of yourself as completely right-brained or completely unartistic, or (most likely) something in between (like most of us!), this book will help you lead a much richer, deeper, and more vividly-colorful life. Through my writing, my lawyering, and everything I do, it informs my actions and my confidence. To this day I try to take regular “artist’s dates” and, I believe, I see the world differently because of it. (Yes, for the better!)

Like any program, it can be hard committing to and following through on the necessary time you need to set aside to do the exercises fully. But the reward is so much greater than the effort you put in. I loved the experience, and highly recommend it to all.

See more progress on: read “The Artist’s Way”.

Clutter reduction - the latest

2005-04-04T15:42:00.000-05:00

I spent about thirty minutes this weekend going through some old toys of my daughter’s and getting things organized, and another twenty minutes or so cleaning out the “coupon” drawer, throwing away the old ones, organizing the current ones. You know what really struck me the most about this project? How little time it took.

Why, oh why have I been such a whiner about this stuff for so long? There’s really nothing to it.

See more progress on: decrease clutter

Where I'm at: weight loss

2005-04-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

I want to lose about 55 – 75 pounds. I put it in a range because (a) I’ve always had a weight problem – don’t really know what I’m capable of at this point in my life, and (b) I’m not married to a number. I’m after optimal health, being able to get off the drugs and safely carry another baby, and buying cute clothes. OK, I’m vain, I admit it. I really want to be able to walk into, say, your average Banana Republic and be able to find, let’s say, 75% of what I’m after in my size. I’m not picky. I’m not irrationally needy or unrealistic. I think these are fine goals, and my purposes are strong. Now, if I can just freaking stay away from the damn ice cream.

See more progress on: lose weight

Running: Where I Am Now

2005-04-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve never been able to run, at all. I couldn’t run a mile in grade school without searing pain in my throat, gasping for breath, and nearly falling to the ground halfway through. Yeah, but the weird thing was I was a relatively fit dancer, even then. Somehow, running just wasn’t my thing, but I’ve always longed to at least run a mile. Now the goal is to run a 10K for cancer research, in my brother’s memory and mom’s honor, by Thanksgiving.

Where I am now: I have been walking 2-4 miles consistently, daily, and every other day (M/W/F) have been alternating running and walking in an on-off pattern. I started with 30 seconds of running and five minutes of walking to recover. No kidding. Now, I’m up to 2 minutes running/2 minutes walking.

See more progress on: run a 10K

Status: Debt Elimination

2005-04-01T11:44:00.000-05:00

Where I stand: about $14,000 in personal/credit card debt, $40k in student loans to pay off, and about $88k remaining on my mortgage (excluded: car payment)

What I’ve done so far: arranged for automatic payments on three of my five credit cards.

Next steps: Pay off the lowest-balance card and catch up on the payments for the personal loan; prepare a matrix of all debts with account information, interest rate, minimum payments, due dates, and balance.

Next steps after that: Prepare a schedule for eliminating those debts on the matrix, with deadlines.

See more progress on: pay off my debt

Let's Play A New Game

2005-04-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

I started an account at 43 Things last week. This is a website sponsored by Amazon, I think, that is all about change. You select things you want to do (why 43? I have no freaking clue, and don't care enough to Google). Others have selected similar things, or other things. You post about it, and can set it up so those posts get published to your blog (which I thought I'd accomplished, but it seems I have not, so - more on that later). You cheer each other on. You make another list - the things you've done. You offer to help others, either with things you've done, or are trying to do.

What's the big deal? Why is it better than Franklin Covey's Plan Plus or any other goal-setting/achievement software package? It isn't, frankly. But it is fun. And I like the blog link.

So here's what I'm gonna do. I've made my list. I'm going to publish it here. I'll figure out why my posts over there aren't coming in over here. And we're going to make this blog into an ongoing status report and cultural experiment:

Is massive change possible?

Can I do it - change, that is?

Let's find out.

Be Good To Your Colon!

2005-03-21T09:05:00.000-05:00

And will it be good to me in return? I dunno. I've been on this toxin absorber (read: psyllium - read: laxative/fiber-bulk former) for five days now. I'm not sure I feel any lighter. In fact, I feel heavier. But that could be because The Tribe went out to eat last night and unfortunately selected a not-so-good place that served not-so-good fried food, exclusively. (After which, we had the unparalleled joy of discovering we were sitting in the smoking section and when my bro started to cough uncontrollably from his allergies, the woman behind us announced loudly that he was "puttin' on." Meaning "faking." The hell? We left, quickly. But I digress.)

I'm just not sure I believe in all this cleansing stuff. Is belief necessary for it to work? All you believers out there, let me know. I'm willing to stay with it, but I demand results. Do I have to fast too? Because I just ain't going there. Everything I've ever read on the subject makes me think fasting is a bunch of hoooey. If I'm wrong, so be it, but I've never seen proof the other way.

Anyway. I'm taking the week off, to get some chores done, some errands run, and to finish up some exercises I started in this Tony Robbins "Time of Your Life" seminar thingie. It's actually pretty helpful. Yesterday I wrote down my code of conduct - the things I will live by, and the things I will never do. How many people actually write that down, or even think about it concretely like that? Well, I did, and I found it helpful. Also wrote down my values - the things that I live for, stand for, strive for. Then ranked them, in order. Which was hard, let me tell you.

The Routine, as it stands now

2005-03-19T09:48:00.000-05:00

Exercise:

Daily - 45 minute advanced pilates workout
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday - 35 minute run/walk
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday - 40 minute walk

Nutrition:

1800 calories per day
No white stuff (no potatoes, white bread, or rice)
No processed/refined sugar (ice cream, cake, sodas, etc.)
Focus on lean proteins and complex carbs (veggies and berries)

Supplements:

30-60 ml a day of a blood purifying tincture (contains sarsaparilla, yellow burdock, others) and the same of cleaver
currently: toxin absorber (essentially, psyllium plus some other ingredients to cleanse colon - yeah, fun, huh?)
Ashwagandha
Malic Acid/Magnesium Fibro Mix
Grapeseed
Multivitamin

The tinctures taste like crap, but I mix them with the toxin absorber into an 8-ounce glass of OJ and it ain't so bad. I think apple juice would work, too.

Why I'm Here

2005-03-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

Seems a good time to take stock and reiterate or refine my purpose here.

1. To provide a place to chronicle my attempts to lose weight, get off the tramadol, and eliminate my pain, for the ultimate purpose of having a second child.

2. To gather material for a book about chronic pain.

3. To run off at the mouth - um, fingers - on any topic of interest that grabs me.

Yeah, in that order.

DHS - Keeping Us Safe From Canadian Bloggers

2005-03-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Oh, y'all.

Now, this about made me pee my pants. Link to Investor's Daily, of all things. And yeah, that's a first for me.

Seems a Canadian brother in blog attempted to head south for a six week NY consulting gig. When asked what he was going to do in the U.S., he told 'em, and the agent responded - oh, you'll love this - "You can't make a living from blogging. Stop lying and tell me why you're really here!"

Well, no shit, Sherlock. At least I can't. Maybe someone else can. This? Would be a labor of love.

Nonetheless, it's good to know our stalwart protectors at Homeland Security are keeping us safe from the evil that is Canadian Blogging.

(Just kiddin' y'all. God Save the Queen, and all.)

A political break

2005-03-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

I've lost patience with Terri Schiavo's family, and am beyond irked at the actions of Congress here lately. I'll let my new sister in the Basquette Case family, Jane Q. Public of Political Daze, carry the ball on this one, but I just wanted to say this: Um, I thought the whole thing of Republican political beliefs was to keep the government out of personal affairs?

Hmm?

**crickets chirping**

Yeah, y'all can get back to me.

Welcome to the Basquette Case family, Janie!

We're building empire

2005-03-17T19:26:00.000-05:00

In my never ending quest to take over the blogoverse, and be of service while doing so, I've birthed a new widdle baby girl - High Maintenance, the firstborn of my hopefully many media chilluns to come. Think of me as an Irish Catholic blogwife.

Hosted by the still-lovely Sloane Peterson, who apparently left Ferris and married Cameron, of all things, HM will feature makeup, hair product, skin care, and fragrance news, reviews, and helpful tips. She whores herself to product, so you don't have to!

I don't know.

2005-03-12T07:39:00.000-05:00

I have a hard time coming up with titles for this blog. I really, really do. So usually I just put a placemarker phrase in there - something scintillating like today's effort "I don't know." Whoa, jump back. Heavy insight coming.

One thing that's been intriguing me lately is the concept of self-talk and expectations, and how that translates into, or affects, our ultimate perception of pain. Let me "plain that up" for you a bit: does what I tell myself to expect shape or color how much I hurt?

If I look at the workout ahead of me, and jump in my mind to the end, when I'm cooling down, and think about the sharp twinges in my SI area, shooting down into my hip, then maybe I become cognizant of the heavy dulll ache of the fibro in my shoulders - tramadol's not quite percolating in there yet - does that cause to any degree my experience of those events?

Another POV - when I was pregnant and dealing with all these things at once - massively overweight, fibro, back spasms, ruptured disk and its partner sciatica. I recall one time in particular when I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep on my side, curled up next to my husband on one side and a body pillow on the other, somewhere around 8 months on, whimpering to myself over and over "I feel fine... I feel fine ... I feel great ... I feel great..."

You can guess what happened, right? My whimper turned into a whisper, the furrowed brow of severe pain relaxed into a surprised "oh" look, complete with smile. Yep, the pain went away.

Now, as soon as I stopped chanting that little mantra, it came back. Not quite as intensely as before, but - still. It came back.

But, still - I made it go away.

I don't know what made me think of these things. But it's something I want to explore in the book. The only "yeah, but" for me on this is that I don't want sloppy readers and reviewers thinking that I'm advocating or lending credence to the notion that the pain is all in my mind.

Run, Baby, Run

2005-03-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

So, I started running again. I think I talked about this somewhat, last time. I say "running." Truth be told, I'm doing more walking than running. But Runner's World's beginning runner guide tells me this is perfectly acceptable, and I am so definitely the beginner.

So I have a three/four schedule - Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I run/walk. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday, I just walk. (The dog has to pee, you know.) This, I do every evening after work. Every morning, I try to fit in that 45 minute advanced Pilates routine. I also ordered Yoga Booty Ballet. I admit. I saw the infomercial and I was entranced by the notion of going from down dog to running man to degage. My "Goddess Package" hasn't arrived yet, but I expect it any day now. Anyway - running - I am proud to report I've doubled my endurance. I'm up from 30 seconds to a full minute. When I'm jogging in place (you know, while the dog does her thing), I can go for a full two minutes.

I know this sounds pathetically - er - pathetic. But for me, this is totally Rocky-up-the-steps awesome. I rule.

And in a really weird update on the previous post - it's getting better. In fact, yesterday morning, I didn't need any medication at all, at first. I made it to 11 AM before I took my first dose (normally, it's first thing, straight out of bed, hobble to the bathroom, down the tramadol). Now, granted, I didn't work out yesterday, or run the night before (the schedule's a goal, people). But still, it's another triumph.

Pain Level - 7, growing

2005-03-06T08:56:00.000-05:00

From the beginning I was taught by the docs to rate my pain, on a scale of 1 to 10. This made sense to me at the time - you know, it's my pain, they can't possibly understand it unless I quantify it in some way, seemed as good as any other method of communication, blah blah blah. All true. But it fails to take into account the fact of quality - that some pain is piercing, some electric, some burning, some throbbing, some deep, some surface, some dull, some sharp.

What do all those words mean to you? Do they mean the same thing they mean to me?

Over the past week or so, since I restarted in earnest my exercise efforts - a daily 45-minute Winsor Pilates advanced session and a 30 minute jog/walk - I've been growing steadily more anxious over the increasing tenacity of my pain. To clarify: I have three kinds of pain, so far. The first is the back/hip pain. It's the same quality, which is why I put it in the same category even though it's spread physically across a diverse part of my body - that quality is pinching, sharp, intense. The second is the fibro pain - when it comes on it's deep, achey, flu-like. Everything feels heavy and swollen during a flareup. The third is the odd floating cramping pain that comes and goes, mostly in my sacroiliac area. (I guess an unwelcome recent fourth would be the powerful headaches I've been getting lately - a strange, frightening experience.)

Lately, the two daily doses of tramadol aren't as effective as they were a year ago, or even a month ago. I wonder if it's tied to the uptick in physical activity. All I know is I start feeling the need for dose 2 at noon, instead of 2 PM, and by dinner time, I feel like crap and know I'm in for a restless night.

I'm losing weight. It's supposed to be getting better. But it's not. Which leads me to the dawning realization that I may not succeed here. I may not be able to get off the meds, or have another baby. The weight loss would be rewarding in its own right, but it might not have the collateral effects I've assumed it would - the pain might get worse, instead of better.

I don't know - I don't get that. I wonder if I need to just go find another doctor - get a second opinion - a more aggressive form of treatment.

I choose to believe I'm going to improve. That this is just a temporary setback, and that once the weight comes off, things will be better. Maybe not perfect, but at this point, I'd settle for unmedicated.

Be a Pepper

2005-02-26T15:54:00.000-05:00

And in capital letters again. Honestly, that whole thing was just too vexing for words. I thought it would be an interesting experiment in substance over style. It was just annoying, it turns out. Probably to y'all, too.

I'm on a rampage against age-ism. I'm approaching an age that will, unfortunately, be grounds for a nice ADEA suit if I ever get passed over for someone younger than that. Like a seesaw - the two of us on either end - the youngster going up, me - the old woman - going down, down, down, til I'm dropped with a thud on my ass. Nice.

When did I suddenly get "old" in the eyes of these people?

I don't know when it happened. One day I was one of them. There was a limbo period, sometime around the birth of my kid and her first few years. Now, all of a sudden, I'm on the other side.

It all started with Wendy Pepper. If you somehow missed the one good reality show ever, she was one of the final three contestants on Bravo's Project Runway. And boy, howdy, was she reviled, by judges, contestants, and viewers alike. It was a curious phenomenon, and I'm still not quite sure if I caught the whole thing or not, despite having watched every blessedly entertaining minute over the weekend when Bravo ran the pre-finale episodes in a marathon.

A key factor in her image as the Devil Incarnate seemed to be a rather mild (by current standards) comment she made concerning a fellow contestant during a team challenge. Kevin was charged with overseeing the team efforts to create a collection. Now, a collection needs to be a cohesive, themed whole - in this instance, with the added competitive twist that each of the designers was trying to outdo the others. Kevin's specific task was to make sure that connection was there, to ensure the pieces looked like they belonged together. In fact, he lost track of time and the one unifying element - a weird bubble coat they called a "pod" - was cut(mercifully for my eyes, but sadly for the cohesion factor).

During the final chitchat, when the designers were joined by their models, the judges asked Wendy what she thought of Kevin's leadership. OK - right there, people - I have a problem. Why Wendy? This was towards the end of the run. They certainly knew by now that Wendy was not exactly ranking up there as Miss Popularity with the other boys and girls. Why would they ask her this question, as opposed to say, Miss Scarlett - I mean, Austin Scarlett (who, I kid, but I love - seriously - and would have loved to have seen a real heart-and-soul effort from him during Fashion Week, as opposed to the last-minute sham fakeout show they begged from him)?

It was obviously a set-up, and Wendy - poor, honest, driven-to-win woman that she is - spoke the truth that was on the minds of every single person up there. Well, with the possible exception of the models - and no, that's not a "models are empty-brained" crack - they simply weren't part of the mad run-up to runway and would have no reason to know that the smart unified collection pieces they were supposed to be wearing were not there due to Kevin's lack of leadership.

Which is all. Wendy. Said.

"Leadership lacking."

Come ON. This is the same society that's seen Sue's famous "rat and snake" campfire diatribe against Kelly on Survivor. We've just gotten over (barely) the eye-rolling temper tantrums of Jonathan on The Amazing Race. There is no way that Wendy's comment justifies the dipshit gradeschool antics that followed.

Where she was simply on the fringes before, she was now roundly belittled and soundly mocked. Openly disdained. Her daughter's photograph cruelly damaged (speak up, Kevin - you looked guilty as hell during that pre-finale round-up on Wednesday, so clear your conscience and save your soul). And finally, in a jaw-dropping exhibition match with crowd favorite Kara Saun, she was the subject of remarks such as "You're going to need your soul one day, Wendy, and you don't have one" and "You're a ruthless bitch."

Wow. Hyperbole much, kiddos? (Don't feel too bad for Wendy, though - she was in fine form herself. Note: Ms. Pepper? Seriously. Lose the profanity. It doesn't help you make your point. I'm all for a well-placed "goddamn" or "FUCK this shit" every now and again, but peppered [pardon the pun] throughout your rant, it just loses its glamour and sounds fishwifey.)

OK, this is one thing - the mad hypocritical rantings of a final two who are, apparently, pissed off that their preferred final three partner - Austin - got eliminated in the last round and now they have to put up with the "old woman" (read: grown-up). They have something personal vested in this game, and as ass-backwards as this is (Wendy's talent being demeaned at every turn, you would think they'd be flipping cartwheels down Madison Avenue over her inclusion in the final three), I can understand that they would have - ahem - strong feelings.

But what really galled me was the reaction of the viewers. I don't know whether people are just naturally drawn to youth, or whether the human need to cast every situation like a fairy tale (good and sweet princess versus mean evil witch) overrode common sense and the innate American love of the underdog or what, exactly, but everywhere I turned, I saw crap like: "Wendy's an old hag and her clothes look like shit, nobody under forty would wear them."

Seriously, it was like a mantra.

I just don't get it. Wendy was the quintessential underdog in this show. That alone should have gotten a substantial percentage of viewers in her corner, but instead she was ridiculed, even by the cutting-room-den-mother Tim Gunn of Parsons for "knowing her way around a Simplicity" but "not [being] a designer." Sniff. She was a mom, from a small town in Virginia. Both of these facts should have endeared her to the viewing public. Instead, they were mocked repeatedly - even during that pre-game warmup show, ousted and bitter Vanessa spit, "We just pitied you because you were a mom from this small town." Really.

Really?

OK, folks. Whatever. The real thing going on here was (a) Wendy was not "one of us" - young and/or experienced in the fashion world; and (b) she committed the unpardonable sin of actually trying to win. God forbid.

The more I think about, the more it looks just like straight-up discrimination.

And for those whose response to this is "No, we hated her because she was a mean untalented hack," I have these things to say:

If you think that's mean, you have no business in the fashion business. Or any other business for that matter, because the minute anyone criticizes you, you will (a) take it personally, (b) be immediately offended, and (c) most likely, soon find yourself out of a job. Being able to offer and accept criticism maturely is just something the rest of us expect of you in those settings. And god help you the first bad review your spring line gets. Are we going to find you on the edge of the Verrazano looking wild-eyed into the black waters below? In short: Grow up. Also? That wasn't mean. It was TRUTHFUL. There is a difference.
Yeah, she was so untalented she won two challenges - the two biggest ones, I might add - and made it to the final three. Even Tim had to acknowledge after her show:

Wendy did herself proud. ... Those twelve final looks surely embraced a point of view, one that Wendy lives; that is, an individual living a hybrid life of rural tranquility and suburban sophistication, a.k.a. Virginia hunt country. The collection was dressy, but one could easily see many looks making the transition from day into evening. Melissa worked the final exit splendidly – a diaphanous floor-length skirt with a corset nodding to equestrian leather treatments. I found that nod among others to exude wit, a wit that reminded me of Schiaparelli. Wendy, congratulations indeed! This was a truly spectacular showing from the Final Three. The talent and drive of all of our Project Runway designers should stand as an inspiration to fashion designers everywhere.

Frankly, I was happy Jay won. I agreed with the decision. I did not approve of the way Wendy was treated throughout this show, and I think it merely confirms what Wendy herself suspected throughout and hinted at in numerous interviews during the run - that the fashion world is elitist, snobby, and closed to all but the ones who manage to fit the expectations and mold.

Which, frankly, is OK with me - since I wouldn't be caught dead wearing any of the pieces sashaying down the Bryant Park runway that day. Except for Wendy's.

pain, pain, go away...

2004-12-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

seems like my little project (the book, i mean) is taking on new timeliness now. celebrex and advil have joined the vioxx/bextra party, and the world is finally taking note of chronic pain sufferers. i could have told them this would happen. take away the medications that make us feel something approaching normal and we become pretty noisy, don't we? i don't know who to be angry at, honestly. the drug companies, for not testing thoroughly (or worse, hiding and ignoring negative results)? the fda, for letting these drugs get to market in the first place? or for overreacting now and pulling them too quickly? the media, for ignoring us for so long and paying attention only when market forces are impacted? god bless the almighty dollar.

i feel rather torn, personally. i take bextra for "breakthrough" pain, although i had questioned its appropriateness for my particular needs. from what i understand, bextra's best effects are cumulative - you have to keep taking them. something like tramadol would be better for breakthrough pain (except you have that nasty "getting acclimated/up-titration" thing with tramadol, which, i admit, isn't all that pleasant for 2 or so days). my family has a significant history of heart disease, and i called several months ago, when there were hints and whispers of what was to come in regards to bextra, to ask my doctor what i should do. the nurse who returned the call instructed me not to stop taking it until the fda pulled it.

i was stunned. given the controversy over vioxx, and the implications that negative and harmful effects were known but covered up, my doctor was telling me, essentially, trust the fda? yeah, i don't think so.

however, i did continue to take it, given that there seemed to be some hysteria going on, and inflation of what the effects really were. the studies indicated greater risk, yes, but only in patients with a certain level of heart disease (not, i noted, a family history, but a personal history, and a pretty significant one at that). my ticker, as far as i know (and i had a stress test a few years back) is fine.

now, i'm waffling again. do i really want to continue taking something that (a) may not be appropriate for me, given my needs and steady use of tramadol, and/or (b) could, you know, kill me?

and maybe an even better question: why is my doctor not more cautious when it comes to my continued presence on this planet? as much money as he gets from me and my maladies, you'd think he'd be interested in protecting such a major source of his revenue stream. 'oops, lost the basquette case. there goes tahiti. honey, change the reservations to palm beach. we'll have to stay domestic this year.'

edited - because the faa is planes, the fda is drugs, and never the twain shall meet, no matter how many times i type it.

me so confused

2004-12-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

i have no clue what the hell i want anymore. this has always been something of a problem for me, i'll admit. but lately, it seems to be taking on epic and epidemic proportions in my life. every single freaking issue becomes a nightmare of decision-making, for one reason only: i don't know what the hell i want the outcome to be.

this supersecret mission i'm on? that would be merely the latest example in a long laundry list of such disappointments. it follows this incredibly predictable pattern:

step one. i have a dream

step two. i get really, really excited about this dream

step two(a). i decide to go for it.

step three. i figure out a really great plan to achieve this dream, based on odds, current assets and liabilities, and best-interests analysis

step four. i start working the plan

step five. SOMETHING HAPPENS AND I FREAK OUT.

ok, i don't really freak, exactly. i more .... start looking at the other side of things. the other option. the one i discarded when i chose to follow this dream back in step two(a).

why do i call it "two(a)" instead of three, and renumber from there? well, because i have a sneaking suspicion that part of the problem - not all of it, but part - is that i don't take enough time in excitement-land. i don't spend nearly enough time wallowing around wondering - is this what i want? what would it be like, exactly? and how would that feel? - instead, i jump right into "go" mode.

did i used to be this way b.t. (before tramadol)? i don't think so. i mean, yes, i always had this gift of seeing opposing viewpoints - that's part of why i went to law school, i think - but the drugs make it worse.

no, it's not the drugs. it's the illness. it's the freaking fibro. it's the inability to take bold steps anymore because i have to be so damned cautious - can i really do this? will my fibro let me do this? god, i really hate that last one. and i have to plan my future according to my redefined abilities.

i want a baby. another baby, i mean. and i'm too damned dependent on tramadol to do it.

i keep wondering - could i handle the pain again for nine months? sheesh, i did it for three bloody years! why don't i think i can do it now, for such an amazing reason? wouldn't it be even easier this time, knowing (a) it's temporary and (b) i get something so wonderful out of this?

i know the answer to that one, too. i think i can't do it because this time, i'd know what i'm missing. i'd know exactly how good it feels to feel normal.

also, i'm scared i would start, subconsciously, to blame the baby. and that would be awful, for oh, so many reasons.

my head hurts a bit. (and no, the baby thing is not the big dream-on-hold. well, it's another one, i guess, but not the one to which i was referring.)

argh. me so confused.

don't fall out now

2004-12-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

but i'm back. believe it or not, i'm back. we finally rectified all the home computer problems, and i'm back on dsl - yay, high speed internet! yay, working computers!

so much has changed in the three short months (i know, it seems longer) i've been gone. i have some new goals and plans - well, one big plan, with many, many subparts - that has been taking up a lot of my time, and two other (yeah, i know, i'm totally addicted) blogs that are associated with that goal. it's huge. really, really huge. i'm totally psyched and scared and vibrantly alive and wracked with doubt and it's great to be this way, really. i feel alive in a way i haven't for a long time.

more later, i promise. i might not be as regular here as i was prior to my departure, but i am still writing this book - or going to - though it may take a back seat for a bit to this other thing that's huge.

technical difficulties

2004-08-23T07:05:00.000-05:00

time is short, and i beg your pardon. we're experiencing problems w/ our internet connection at home; hope to get that cleared up soon, and when we do, regular posting will resume. i'll post this at the other place, too.

happy birthday tooo meeeee....

2004-08-16T06:30:00.000-05:00

hurricane charley came ashore for the second time on my birthday, pretty much right outside my living room window. my family crowded in the living room, watching cartoons to keep my daughter's mind off the wildly whipping japanese pear tree in the front yard, which kept thwapping against the glass of the window pane. it came quickly, more quickly than we'd anticipated, and it was over in three hours. we raked the yard and ate tuna fish casserole and baby green peas, followed by sara lee butter pound cake, mixed sweetened berries, and real whipped cream. better than any birthday cake, ever.

yesterday, we went to the mall - my least favorite place on earth - and i indulged myself by buying a new outfit (yay lane bryant, but even more yay, i'm almost too skinny to buy clothes there anymore), and a first - the first trip to limited too (a trendy girl's clothing shop) for my daughter. she picked out a baby blue outfit that matches the color of her eyes. she even accessorized properly. she's FIVE. she puts me to shame.

now, back to work!

the only good thing about new jersey...

2004-08-12T06:36:00.000-05:00

...is this, zach braff's garden state blog. ok, i shouldn't say that. i love new jersey. new jersey rocks! 'sides, i don't even know if the movie has a damn thing to do with the state. i just read the first page and it's funny, funny stuff. you can tell braff hasn't gotten to that "i'm too famous to acknowledge your existence and too cool to still be grateful i'm not washing dishes somewhere" stage. may god will it, he never will be. it's a sucky, sucky thing to be that "cool." from my decidedly non-cool perspective, natch.

til later, that's it for now. tomorrow's hurricane day. you ever been backstage at an airport close to hurricane day?

new blog

2004-08-10T12:42:00.000-05:00

up here. seemed like a fun little exercise.

when the world comes spinning down

2004-08-10T06:08:00.000-05:00

weird. usually when my house of cards comes crashing on my head, i get all verklempt and panicky and weepy and depressed. this time, i just got very, very quiet and grim, and decided i was going to punish myself for my moral failings by withholding pain medication. now, obviously, this can't be psychologically healthy. hell, it's not even very original. it does, however, have the advantage of never having been tried before by me. in that old saw - that insanity is expecting a different result from the same methods - at least it's not insane. well, not that way, anyway.

is it insane, really? or is just the grownup equivalent of the concept of discipline? when i'm correcting my daughter's behavior (which sounds so - ugh - military, and strict, and everything i don't want to think i am), i know that consequences drive home the message and she's much less likely to do it again, than if i just say 'no.' so, if i face some physical discomfort, and it's tied to this self-destructive behavior that i just cannot seem to avoid, am i not more likely to see some improvement?

it's not just that, of course. it's also that i feel myself aging daily, that i feel dreams - these numerous, nonspecific, half-flesh, half-wispy smoke-thought dreams - slipping away from me like dandelion fluff. that i see no improvement, anywhere - my weight, still too high; my pain, still impacting my life; my finances, still insecure; nothing of substance written ...

lordy, i'm getting depressed all over again.

awol

2004-08-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

still out, sorry. have a few minor emergencies with which to deal. back soon, i hope.

gone fishin'

2004-08-05T07:51:00.000-05:00

fishin' for knowledge, that is. legal conference today and tomorrow. expect no words from me til saturday, unless i get moved by the pristine, priggish, prudish beauty of another beach and write at midnight when i return tomorrow.

til then, be well, read poems, and eat mangoes. or peaches. peaches are good too.

wow

2004-08-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

just - wow. chlamygirl is apparently a scientist with an amazing talent for photography. i just discovered her. go here then click on "photos" at the bottom. prepare to be amazed. wow.

it's amazing to me

2004-08-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

people still feel the need, even now, to kowtow to the nutcases who still believe fibromyalgia is "all in my head" even in an article about how drug companies are racing to test off-label uses for cancer, epilepsy, and depression medications in the fibro context. norton hadler can bite me, honestly. sociocultural phenomenon, my ass. it doesn't even make much sense, as snooty derisive labels go. if it were sociocultural (read: "psychogenic") in origins, then i would have had to read about the symptoms before developing them, no? somehow, someone would have had to communicate to my ten-year-old self that "there's this disease, see, and it's awful..." i can assure you this never happened. in fact, until i was 32, i was under the (obviously mistaken) impression that everyone felt like they had some kind of killer flu under those conditions (physical exertion, being tired) - that it was perfectly normal.

in any event, i feel honor-bound to put people like that in their place. why do we get so angry about these fools? elaine showalter is easy to dismiss as a fish entirely and patently out of her own (admittedly impressive) little pond - when she talks about diseases being psychogenic, we know she's an english professor, for god's sake, and has no business even attempting to make that call. but people like hadler are more difficult. an immunologist at unc-ch, he has an instant cache that i, obviously, even as a sufferer, do not.

so how i am supposed to fight these people? ideas? either of the two people out there reading this want to help me out?

i hate these things

2004-08-03T11:21:00.000-05:00

so why am i responding to one? heaven only knows. apparently, it's all david white's fault.

1. What is your Full Name:
you have to be kidding me.

2. What Color pants are you wearing now:
i'm not. (skirt. and it's pink.)

3. What are you listening to right now:
the roar of planes taking off and landing.

4 What are the last 2 digits of your mobile phone number(s):
97

5 What was the last thing you ate:
a sausage and cheese biscuit

6. If you were a crayon what color appropriate would you be:
am i the only person in the world who loves this question? marigold.

7. What is the weather right now:
hurricane hangover - warm, clear, and beautiful.

8. Last person you talked to on the phone:
the credit manager for one of my client's suppliers.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex:
necks. i don't know why.

10. Do you like the person who sent this to you:
nobody sent it to me, but i shamelessly stole it off - um - someone's website - whose? ah yes! sarah weinman. i don't personally know her, but she seems nice enough.

11. How are you today:
6 out of 10, pain scale. pretty good for me.

12. Favorite Drink:
good ice water. there is such a thing. or sweet tea, no lemon.

13. Favorite Alcoholic drink:
used to be cosmos, but ever since last night it's flying horse beer.

14. Favorite Sport:
slam ball.

15. Hair Color:
dark brown

16. Eye Color:
hazel

17. Siblings:
two brothers

18. Favorite Month:
october.

19. Last movie you watched:
the company.

20. Favorite Day of the Year:
halloween

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out:
no, but i wouldn't do it now personally since i'm, you know, married and all.

22. Favorite time of year:
fall, all of it.

23. Hugs or Kisses:
who has to choose?

24. Chocolate or Vanilla:
peach, please. but if it's one or the other, chocolate, i guess.

25. Do you want your friends to write:
why not?

26. Who is most likely to respond:
nobody reads this thing.

27. Who is least likely to respond:
nobody reads this thing.

28. Living Arrangements:
with my family and a wihppet/lab mix named rosemary.

29. What books are you reading?
what am i not reading right now? the trigger point therapy workbook. the dante club. anna karenina (hey, oprah told me to). lots of poetry.

30.What is on your mouse pad?
the american constitution society logo.

31.What did you do last night:
ate indian food with my dh.

32. Favorite Smells:
peets coffee brewing, ironed sheets.

33. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
no

34. What inspires you?
my daughter. possibility.

35. Popcorn or candy at the movies?
both.

36. Favorite Flower:
tough one. i like most flowers. i'll be boring and say "white roses."

37. Favorite Cookie:
chocolate chip with walnuts

38. How many books do you own?
good christ. a boat load.

39. What's your favorite thing to cook?
chicken with tarragon lemon cream sauce. wait, that actually might be my favorite thing to eat. i have to think about this one some more.

thank god. that was exhausting.

some new words

2004-08-03T10:57:00.000-05:00

jenny boully reviews joe francis doerr's order of the ordinary and makes me want to go buy it now. i love the intellectual rigor of the classic forms, and this sounds like a wonderful trip through the ages. i am especially moved by the words from his poem "sand years," this being the day after alex moved through ... see, there's something special about what happens to this beach (or, i guess, any beach, but this is the only one i've lived at for any appreciable length of time) after a hurricane or tropical storm moves through. there's this slow, quaking dance between the sand and the storm, and the sky joins in. the day after the storm, there is nothing more beautiful than the sky.

lazy hazy daisies

2004-08-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

sundays rock. reading the times. drinking peets. doing laundry. ok, that last part sucks, but if you have to iron, at least there is the magic of rowenta irons. i know i linked to them earlier. i really, really like my rowenta.

the holy yes

2004-07-31T08:37:00.000-05:00

i always wanted kids. i knew i would be a mom, someday. but after dh and i got married, i thought (before the wedding), we would take some time as a couple. so it was with some measure of surprise we found ourselves on our one-month anniversary, looking at each other and saying with utter conviction, "let's have a baby."

i think much of life is like that - the big things, anyway - huge 180's that catch you unawares, presented as a tiny voice in your heart, or a tingle up your spine on a hot day, a pulling forward from the pit of your stomach, and you say a quick holy "yes" to the thing that scares you, propels you, whirls you around and makes you dizzy with anticipation and so filled with love that it seeps out your pores.

after forty hours of induced labor, and a failure to progress despite monster contractions and an (ineffective) epidural, my ob-gyn finally said, "well, we could let you wait a bit more...." to which i responded firmly "cut me open now." i knew something was amiss, but i was the mere woman, and a whiny, pain-intolerant one at that. never mind that at 32, i knew my body pretty damn well, and never mind that, as it turned out, i was right (the baby basquette was possessed of linebacker shoulders and a bowling ball head, and if she'd continued down that canal, there was every possibility they would have had to break her clavicle to get her out).

the anesthesiologist was charming and attractive, even at 5 am, and wore the most delicious smelling cologne. he leaned over me, as they were draping those cloths over my stomach (so i couldn't see my intestines), and held my face in his hands, upside down, and said, "you're having a baby! isn't it great!" and i believed him, i knew he was just as excited as i was, as thrilled (though not as scared) as my dh was. my dh, who'd stayed with me every single one of those forty hours, who looked like i felt - red-rimmed eyes with that slightly wild and crazed look in them, barely contained by socialization and manners, a paint bubble ready to explode at any moment. but when they put a clean baby basquette in his arms to carry to the nursery, he melted - i think i saw his heart swell, because his chest expanded and opened a bit. all the pre-delivery "but what if i drop her!?"s were forgotten, and he held her naturally, easily, though very securely - there was no way he was dropping that beautiful child, and i knew it, and he did too.

my mother was the first to hold her when they brought her in, after they'd tucked me into warm blankets. it was the hottest day of the year, but the o.r. had been freezing, and i was shaking uncontrollably, also from exhaustion. (forty hours is a long freaking time, people.) i wasn't afraid i'd drop her - i was afraid i'd hold her too tightly, and so i asked mom to hold her first, while i got myself under control. i have a picture of dh putting my daughter in my mom's arms, and the clock behind her reads 8-something, making this the first picture of my baby ever.

then they brought her to me, and those sleepy eyes in that puffy chubby face blinked casually. a perfect pink bow of a mouth opened and closed. she mewed softly, like a kitten.

they tell you, or insinuate, that you fall in love instantly with your kids. that's not entirely true. i would have willingly caught a cold for her at that instant. the willingness to step in front of a speeding train came later. but it came, and i saw a glimpse of it that first moment i held her. it was awful, and magical, and poetic, and yet it transcended poetry, flew beyond the power of paltry language. it was the fulfillment of that holy yes, and so it was sacred.

happy birthday, my darling daughter.

nuts and bolts

2004-07-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

no, we didn't get screwed. the baby basquette (who, i must admit finally, is no longer a baby, but a whopping five years old tomorrow morning, at 5:35 am) heard dh with the drill working feverishly at 6 am yesterday morning to finish up the play set and was on the window shade cord faster than i could say, "whaaa....?" so she saw her surprise, and we were rewarded with a beatific smile and huge hugs. she played all evening yesterday in the hot summer mugginess, swatting away coastal sc mosquitos (which aren't quite as big as alaskan ones, but not by much) and running in to use the potty and down some more water.

in other news, i thought kerry rocked last night, though the pundits are being typically erudite and cool, but my enthusiasm maintains. and for my math geek friends, and for the part of me i killed off seven years ago when i turned my back on science and embraced the law, the london review of books brings you the strange case of louis de branges. (link courtesy of arts and letters daily.) enjoy.

fun ways to waste time

2004-07-28T09:27:00.000-05:00

try successwhosmydaddy.com, and thanks to chicha for the link. fun fact of the day that gives me the giggles: tom hanks is a third cousin four times removed from abraham lincoln. did you know i played nancy hanks lincoln once, for a summer? not much else to report today, as i'm trying to polish up a short story for gival's short story contest. deadline's in a week or so, thus my concern. wish me luck. no, you don't really have to. but if you want to, it would be nice.

blogging hangover

2004-07-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

did i really just blog five entries in one day? good christ. my head hurts. i have no enthusiasm for this genre right now, but i must say again, mj rose is to be commended. she did a fine job on her virtual book tour, and i'll also say again, kevin smokler is a freakin' genius. i'm just saying.

oh, and the playset? still not finished. what a beast that thing is. you'll hear basquette's dh whoop and holler from the coast wherever you might be when it's done, though. he is so determined to do this thing himself.

enjoy the potpourri below, 'cause that's all you're getting today. i'm gonna go, you know, actually write now.

daydream believer

2004-07-26T13:23:00.000-05:00

no, i don't have a milion dollars lying around. but seriously? if i did? this would be as good an impulse buy as any pack of gum or eyeglass repair kit i've purchased lately. i could get into running slate from my living room. i think i'd need to buy a new computer first, though.

searching for bobby, redux

2004-07-26T12:10:00.000-05:00

this article by kasparov led me to google, of course, which led me to this article, a few years old, which went into the sad details of fischer's decline. i find it hard to generate much sympathy for the man, though, as his hateful and hate-filled views are challenging, to put it dove-mildly. the other thing that captured me about this second article, though, was this, in regards to the invitation he accepted from susan and judit polgar:

Fischer ... was welcomed as a guest in the Polgar household. He appears to have behaved himself. "I remember happy times in the kitchen cutting mushrooms," Susan says. "He's very normal in that sense, very pleasant." Although Fischer refused to play classic chess, he graciously helped the Polgar sisters with their games. When he wasn't sharing his expert analysis with them, he was playing FRC games against them. He was astounded at how accomplished the sisters were. Seeing that he was impressed by the Polgars' play, a friend of Fischer's suggested a publicized match to promote FRC. Fischer agreed.

what grabs me - well, two things. one, the visual image of fischer cutting mushrooms, the sisters' heads bent over a chessboard at a nearby kitchen table, as vivid for me as anything i've read lately. and two, the word "accomplished" - a praiseworthy trait i associate most with heroines in jane austen novels, yet one which i secretly long for myself. i want to be accomplished. my accomplishments would be - if i could create them from whole cloth, past experience, and present interest - fluency in french, a solid talent for drawing, a lovely singing voice, a taste for numbers (especially calculus and geometry), and an abiding interest in physics, oceanography, and the mathematics of waves.

i laughed at these books, until now

2004-07-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

as this toronto star article makes clear, there's very little to laugh at in the latest of the left behind series. this is cause for celebration in much of basquette's distantly-related family tree offshoots. those i hang with on a daily basis will, thankfully, shudder and pray for deliverance from such militant eschatology.

it's mj rose day in the litblogiverse!

2004-07-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

go here for the details. she's at the elegant variation, and confessions of an idiosyncratic mind, and several other places you should go see. then you should go buy her book.

tara vs sara on night

2004-07-26T09:27:00.000-05:00

girl, please. i freakin' loved signs. hack-a-doodle-do my butt. that being said, i keep looking askance at the village trailers. either i've been spoiled, or i've been had. and if i had my druthers, i'd pick "had" over "spoiled" any day of the week and twice on sundays. i'll say no more.

in defense of tony robbins

2004-07-25T15:38:00.003-05:00

it's a hot and muggy day. we're building a swing set (i'd say "assembling" but that doesn't begin to give the full nuance of the sheer mad scope of work involved here) for the wee one, whose birthday is this week, and who has no idea it's coming. the instructions call for "one adult and one adult helper." i volunteered as the helper, and apparently my role is merely a supporting one, as i've helped once (for three hours) and am awaiting my call for the next scene in the cool air-conditioned house. ironing never looked so good, seriously.

while i had the ironing thing going on (i love my rowenta iron - no, really), i thought it would be a good time to listen to some tony robbins cd's. these, i picked up last year, pre-pain meds and at a time when i was really gungho on the whole "pick yourself up by your own bootstraps" thing - embracing my inner type "a." a few observations:

he is sincere. no, really. it's obvious. only someone who was sincere would acknowledge the goofiness inherent in his character and delivery, but plead with you for your time anyway because he really wants to help. also, only someone who sincerely wanted to serve would put up with the shit popular culture has tossed at him ever since the early days when, as he himself admits, his infomercials saturated the north american airwaves so thoroughly that at every moment of the day, it was showing somewhere.
he is giving common sense solutions, in a boiled-down way that is easier for the modern sensibilities to grasp, attuned as they are to the quick-edit-mtv-video-three-second-sound-bite-faster-faster-faster-pussycat attention span. get past his delivery and what you hear is real, and sensible.
his suggestions actually work. it's what i used to quit smoking - without a moment's drama, or bitchiness (well, no more than usual, that is), and without a single solitary overwhelming craving or caving-in. it's been almost nine months since i had a cigarette, and i don't want one. and i learned that that's the trick - that quitting a bad habit, or starting a new good one, or making any change at all, really, all boils down to proper preparation and a continual series of choices made. every second, i choose not to smoke. it's that simple.

tony makes me want to live more fully. and my god, what could be wrong or critically lacking in that? the way he interprets emotions, particularly, are helpful. instead of trying to tamp them down, or ignore them, or wallow in them (equally damaging, i think), you get beyond the emotion (which, after all, is temporary by its very nature) and to the message behind it. every emotion has a message, and it usually boils down to a need to change your perception or your practice, he says. in other words, how you're looking at the situation, or how you're responding to it (or helping to create it). it sounds really common sense, right? but hearing it like this helps, i swear it does.

the real problem with tony, i think most people believe, is his effusiveness. he's so "on" all the time. well, of course, he has to be, i think, to capture people's attention in this pop-o-matic world. but the real discomfort we have with that ebullient nature - that megawatt smile and constant movement and energy - is that we've been told from day one (at least, i have - and i got the message loud and clear) not to be so - well - big. "larger than life," i've been told.

this is how big life is, folks. my size. loud, big, colorful, and real.

if you ever feel like this, go read some sark. she's wonderful to reassure you that you're just the right size, in every sense of the word. and then go play on the swings.

chronic pain news

2004-07-23T11:52:00.000-05:00

this article tells about one woman's experiences with percutaneous diskectomy surgery, for pain due to herniated disks. an article comparing pd with the conventional forms of diskectomy can be found here, from ncbi and the national library of medicine. if you have a pubmed account (easy to get), you should be able to get the entire article, but i haven't tried yet, so can't swear to it.

currently looking for more complete info on a new journal of neuroscience article in which researchers have apparently determined the existence of two distinct pain pathways - one binary (true/false, yes/no, pain/no-pain), and one analog (graded, scaled, no pain to discomfort to stress to pain to lots of pain) system, but here's a starting point. this is possibly already available via pubmed, but again, i haven't had time to check it out yet.

making it last

2004-07-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

i have sixteen little white ovals left in my bottle. sixteen, to make last through, or until, the 28th of this month. that's, like, next wednesday. that's when i can get a refill and my insurance will pay the brunt of it, leaving me with a measly little ten-dollar copay. ten bucks for a month's worth of relief. sixteen pills. should i tell my doctor my rebel body has finally grown tolerant of the two pill dose and ask him to up it to three? or should i stick with the two-pill dose and continue forcing myself to cope with the residual pain? these are all quality of life questions, and i really hate and resent the fact i have to ponder them in the first place, for the obvious reason - it's my life. cue the bon jovi. damn it.

i am also researching oxycontin, from the non-hysterical point of view (not much of that out there), for breakthrough pain when the fibro flares up beyond the capabilities of the maintenance tramadol dosages.

i hate, hate, hate the way the flexeril makes me feel the next morning. i haven't taken any in a few days because i've been having enough trouble getting out of bed. i swear my alarm clock is broken. my dear husband (dh) insists i'm the one that's broken, because he hears it just fine, every morning, at 5:20. i think he's nuts, and i end up getting up at 7 am, like today, which is interesting when you have a thirty minute commute and have to be at the office at 8.

no poetry today, but everyone should go read jarrett mcneil's new piece at maison neuve.

"hate", sean? really?

2004-07-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

sean for the lnr says zembla magazine's web site made him hate them. ok, but i didn't have the same experience he did. i had little difficulty navigating around. perhaps they've redesigned, perhaps they just like 'mur'kens like me better. i have to root for anything literary these days, but there is a small matter of a little throwback to an old boyfriend who is on the list - you know, the list? of those i would like to punish when i am made supreme world empress? - and who loved nabokov out of all proportion with the merits of the writing, and since zembla comes from nabokov ... oh hell, it sounds really petty when i put it like that. but this guy was a real piece of work. arrogant times ten, haughty, pretentious, and what he did was unforgivable...

...then again, should i punish an entire publication on the basis of my searing contempt for one windbag?

eh, i'll postpone a final decision on that particular issue. i'll give zembla a chance. besides, it reminds me of peter sellers. and the word "semblance" which i like a lot.

recent changes and how my weekend went

2004-07-19T10:16:00.000-05:00

welcome back. boy, blogger just keeps getting more and more lovely and complex. a wealth of new toys with which to play, all at the blogger's fingertips. i happen to love complexity. we need more of it. well, as long as it serves a purpose, that is. complexity for the sake of being obtuse? not so much fun, no.

i've broadened and simultaneously narrowed the scope of the blog, and for that reason, it felt appropriate to change the look a bit. hey, change is good, just like complexity, when it serves a purpose. i have three with this blog: primarily, to delight and distract. secondarily, to establish a semi-public forum in which to seek the stories of other sufferers of chronic pain and their experiences with treatment, undertreatment, suspicious doctors, allegations of addiction, fear of addiction, quackery, alternative therapies, angry and bitter family members, supportive and loving family members - oh, all of the above. the landscape for the chronic pain sufferer is ever changing and treacherous to navigate. tertiarily, it's a place for me to share my evolving story.

with that in mind, therefore, my weekend was quite lovely. i indulged myself in two passions. one, a passion for physical bliss. no, not like that. a local day spa that i'm inordinately fond of, given how far it is from my house and given that long drives aggravate my back pain. my love stems from the aptly named "quiet room," in which berobed and beslippered guests await their respective treatments in leather recliners with matching ottomans and thick waffle-woven blankets. the lighting's dim, the artwork barely visible, the water has cucumbers in it, the stone fountain takes up most of one wall. somehow, it all fits together.

i also indulged my passion for poetry, my newest old obsession. poems were the first thing i ever wrote when i learned to make words (i learned to write much later - in fact, it's a process i'm still undergoing). i bought an anthology titled staying alive (ah, ah, ah, ah) which has nothing to do with disco and everything to do with affirming life in this unreal time. i even managed to write a few of my own in a new purple notebook i splurged on, just for that purpose. in it, i wrote my poems, and other people's poems, and other people's quotes about poems. and with that in mind, here's my site for the day, a little place that makes me happy for, if nothing else, the front page quote: "the urge to 'tie a poem to a chair with rope and torture a confession out of it' lessens when poetry arises freshly each day." (from a quote by billy collins in introduction to poetry)

bad, bad artista

2004-07-09T08:38:00.000-05:00

i didn't do my pages. my family has one giant collective cold, except me, i'm well, just hurt like hell. i swear, everytime i take flexeril before bed, i think i hurt worse the next morning. even the tramadol isn't helping much this time. this just sucks. and the weekend isn't looking much better. there was this cookout i sort of wanted to go to - the local dems getting together to break bread and enjoy each other's enlightened company - but c has to work, and k is sick, and i hurt, and oh, blah. blah blah blah blah blah. and it will be too hot, once again, for the pool. heat index over 100. i'm just going to go over here and pout in the corner for awhile. see if i can find my happy face. failing that, go to my happy place.

day 1 of the artist's way

2004-07-08T11:41:00.000-05:00

i adore julia cameron. she has this comforting, elegant, chicken-soup-with-wild-rice kind of writing style. i have not done morning pages (those 3 pages of longhand freeform stream-of-consciousness-as-if-there-were-such-a-thing-as-consciousness-at-five-o-my-god-a.m. that are supposed to turn off our inner censors and allow us to write (or dance or draw or paint or play or whatever form your art takes) from the heart, from our genuine voices) for some time now. i'm all for genuine voices. sometimes, however, i fear mine just ran out of things to say. so for that reason i dug out my dog-eared copy of the artist's way once more, cracked it open to the introduction, and started reading, somewhat blearily, wearily, at 10 pm last night.

this morning, all i could think was, morning pages! yippee! ok, i don't actually think "yippee" at 5 am. actually, i don't think at all at 5 am, which is sort of the whole point, i guess, of doing morning pages when you first tumble out of bed. so you won't be thinking and screwing it up while you write.

i wrote about writing, about my hopes and dreams for my book, still untitled, but i'm thinking of calling it shame or maybe the shame of pain, since my thesis is that societal attitudes keep pain in the closet and pain sufferers ostracized and embarrassed and defensive about their pain conditions. i wrote about how my daughter spurns and then embraces me like some french coquette in a restoration comedy, and how, like a suitor, it's driving me crazy. i wrote about how she now locks herself in the dog's crate (bottom latch only) - with the dog. i wrote about all my myriad forms of pain.

myriad - reminds me of mircea eliade. can you believe i didn't know who that was until this morning, when it finally dawned on me - hey, you, of the insatiable curiousity and the utter revulsion at the state of not-knowing, you have this remarkable thing called the internet at your disposal, why not use it to answer those kazillion tumbling questions your brain whirls about on a daily basis?

so i did. he was a philosopher of religion, of romanian origins. he was a prolific author, anchoring in his latter years a three volume set on the world's religions. i wouldn't begin to be able to summarize anything of substance, but there you go. and he died in 1986.

this is the type of wandering cross-eyed crap my morning pages consist of.

artist's dates are also required, according to miss julia. i have no clue where i will go for my first outing. it has to be done alone, she says, so ix-nay on the ild-chay tagging along. two hours? alone? by myself? this sounds like heaven on a popsicle stick to me right about now. i love my child without reason. i just also like my own company and get far less of that than of hers.

the war on drugs takes its toll

2004-07-06T08:17:00.000-05:00

i've decided no-caps is now anti-retro-anti-renegade. whatever. it's so hip, it's antihip. it's five minutes ago, which makes it cool for me. (it's just so much easier!)

i have also decided to write my book. a polemic against the undertreatment of chronic pain. a complex history of the way the human race has dealt with pain and those who hurt, the nature of opiates, the fear of addiction, the cruel joke that the so-called war on drugs played on those who suffer, opiophobia, the suspicious nature of the physicians who think all of us chronic pain sufferers are either hypochondriacs, hysterical (i'm coming after you, elaine showalter, yes, YOU, you cow), or drug-seeking, or all three.

why does calling her a cow make me so queasy? because that's my nature. i get angry, but you're not supposed to show it, are you? so i feel guilty.

you know what? screw that.

elaine showalter stepped outside her own pasture - er, field - of expertise and deserves what's coming to her. and no, sweetpea, that's not a threat. "what's coming to her" is the literary skewering her "argument" deserves. so call off the bodyguards. what a self-obsessed loon.

edited to add - what i really meant to say was, cheney's lost a doc because somebody says he's addicted to painkillers. i have no love lost for this administration for, oh, so many reasons, but mainly ashcroft's gung-ho attitude about putting people addicted to narcotics (and the doctors who signed the scripts) in jail. addicts do not belong in jail. and many of those he's targeting are not in fact addicts. more on that later. right now, i need to take some tramadol.

Dog's Life

2004-07-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

It's unbelievably hot here, yesterday and today. Too hot for the park (which K does not accept, one bit). Too hot, even, for the pool (which I'm having trouble accepting). We decided our dog needed a birthday; having picked up The Beast at the local Humane Society shelter, we had no idea when it was, but roughly calculated it to be sometime in July. Or maybe August. Possibly June. But July's good. So C and I let K pick the date. She picked the 4th, first, but C vetoed - he's got these childhood issues about sharing birthdays (his sister was almost born on his birthday; we're still dealing, apparently). Then she picked today, the 5th.

We went to the dog bakery today, she and I (we're both "enjoying" a day's break from school and work, respectively). I was sort of hoping they'd have something cake-like for the dog. I don't know why. The Beast is hesitant to eat anything but (a) kibble and (b) any meat product on our plates. K was set on the carob-tipped birthday bone, which I confess was the obvious and perfect choice. Then we set about selecting presents. I've had easier times picking out a present for C. And he's notoriously difficult to buy for.

Collar? OK. Which color?

Pink.

This pink gingham with the white daisies?

No, the navy blue one.

That's not pink.

This one.

That's too big. How about this green one with the pink flowers?

No, the pink one with the green flowers.

That one's too small.

I know! The American flag one.

Oh ... um, OK.

I know! THIS flag one.

That's not a flag, honey, but OK.

What is it?

It's a bandanna.

I don't like it.

You just... OK. How about this striped one?

No.

The one with flowers?

No.

OK, I'm picking one.

Not that one!

Green with pink or pink with green?

Green with pink. How about this? (holding up a pink plush bone-shaped pillow with the word "Bitch" stitched in white loopy script)

Uh. No.

Here I Go Again

2004-06-29T05:50:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling with my weight since I was a pre-adolescent. Lately, it's gotten to be a much bigger struggle. I estimate (and I say "estimate" because I don't want to lock myself into a goal weight, but rather have a healthy weight range that I want to get back into) I have anywhere from thirty pounds to sixty pounds left to lose.

As indicated in an earlier post, I have been attempting to follow the Atkins plan to lose this weight.

It most definitely is not working. My fibro has flared up, my digestive system is totally out of whack, my IBS symptoms (which are part of the whole lovely fibro melange) increased in severity and frequency (ever broken out into a cold sweat with tremors and cramping when you have to go to the bathroom? Lots of fun, that one), my sleep patterns were even more disturbed than usual. OK, OK, it doesn't take a genius to figure this out. Atkins + my fibro = bad news. Moving on.

I'm looking at the opposite end of the eating spectrum right now (why am I always drawn to the extremes?) - Ayurvedic principles.

Well, actually, to be entirely accurate, I'm investigating Ayurveda, and while I'm doing that, I'm trying to eat a wide range of whole and unprocessed foods - meat, vegetables, fruits, and whole grains, plus healthy fats. Of course what I actually eat is that, plus (as in yesterday) two ice cream sandwiches and eight ginger snaps. Good lord. Partially hydrogenated oil city. Whatever. I really, really do not want to be one of these nervous wimps who's all "oohhhh, partially hydrogenated is so BAD for you!" You know? I want balance. I want to lose the weight, sure, and be healthy, of course, but I don't want to be a fanatic about it all.

But if Ayurvedic principles can help alleviate my fibromyalgia, I'm certainly going to try it out.

On the Mat

2004-06-26T18:44:00.000-05:00

I have been a beginner at yoga for five years. It started after a back injury which compounded untreated scoliosis, impacted further by a pregnancy in which I gained about 65 pounds (on top of the fifty I was already overweight by), and when the injury was treated with surgery (following a year of unsuccessful conservative treatment), it triggered fibromyalgia. My doctor - thankfully, not one of those who thinks fibro is "all in the head" - suggested pilates and yoga, on top of the first of a gazillion successive medications.

I started with a yoga journal tape and a cheap sticky mat I bought at a local sports store. I was brought to my knees (heh) quickly by the forced confrontation with the drastic loss of flexibility I'd undergone in the intervening years between that mat and the last time I danced. I used to dance, quite well, though I never called myself a dancer. (I longed to be a triple threat, but in truth my singing voice was lovely enough but nothing exciting, my dancing was adequate for the second row of the chorus or possibly a lead role, as long as it wasn't heavily dance-oriented, like, say, Sheila or Karen in A Chorus Line, and my acting - my strong suit - was merely competent. This would be why I left theatre. On top of that whole "rape survivor and reacting to trauma" thing, of course.)

So my first experience on the mat was humbling, to say the least. It didn't really get any better, and my back pain (having shifted from thoroughly debilitating to merely chronically spasmodic and unbearable) wasn't helping, nor was it helped. My competitive nature wouldn't allow me to be a beginner - to be bad at something that I would have excelled at, once upon a time. So the mat began collecting dust in the corner.

Every now and again I'd pull it out and try again. It never lasted more than a few days, though, as my frustration at my limitations grew more and more intense. I began seeking other, more direct and forceful means of recovery. Massage therapy, acupuncture, chiropractic, and, oh yes, drugs. Lots of drugs. I gave in to the sweet fog of pharmaceuticals. All perfectly legal, all prescribed and reasonable and never taken except when needed and in accordance with prescription dosages. I never allowed myself to develop the habit of using them - and none of these were "painkillers" in the traditional sense, by the way. We're talking Celebrex, NSAIDs, Flexeril.

At the point I began to think that this was the sum total of my existence and the rest of my days would be spent attempting to manage my pain to merely intolerable levels and missing what used to be a pretty interesting life - that's when I found myself up against the wall, having tried everything there was, to no avail, and feeling pretty desolate.

It was about that point when I ran across a web article commenting on a recent study of Ultracet as a medication for fibromyalgia. I decided to ask for a prescription, and got one. I had to work up to the suggested dose - the first one made me queasy and loopy - but once I did, I was so overwhelmed. For the first time in four years, I didn't hurt. I felt good, really good.

And that's when I decided to go to the mat, one more time. This time, I asked for a thick cushiony mat for Christmas, and got it. I looked on Amazon.com for books on gentle yoga for back conditions and fibro, and I cobbled together a very easy routine, based on holding highly modified poses with props for extended periods of time. I thought I'd accepted my inabilities and limitations.

So when I decided to try Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy, I found myself nodding when the therapist said to me on the phone "You know, with fibro, I can only help you if you accept your limitations and realize we can only work with those boundaries."

And as I was nodding, I felt inside, "No! No, I do NOT accept!"

A few days later, I cancelled my appointment. A few weeks later, I started watching a power yoga program on TV early in the morning, while I was doing my gentle yoga routine. A month after that, I ordered a Power Yoga DVD of my own, put up that cushiony mat, and pulled out the cheap blue sticky mat.

That was yesterday. My arms feel like they're about to fall off, and even with the medication my back feels tight and twinge-y.

And I haven't been this happy and content since B.P. (Before Pain). Five years.

I figure it's about time

2004-06-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

So here I am, happily munching on my third Atkins-friendly low-carb bar of the day, and downing Peets like there's no Peets left - well, wait, that would be "slowly," right? Savoring? No, I don't operate that way. If it's a good thing, it cannot be consumed too quickly or too often.

I worry for my daughter, sometimes. She has no hope of escaping my lunacy, really. She is so emotional now. One would think a mother who grew up the same way would be understanding and supportive of this sensitivity. In fact, of the two of us, her father is the most likely to say soothing things. What comes out of my mouth mid-sob is usually something like, "Good lord, child, why are you crying now?"

I need to work on that, I think.

I sense an impending mid-life crisis on the horizon. I've been getting the warning shots fired across my bow lately. (Apt metaphor, by the way - lately, I feel as big as a ship. Hence, the Atkins friendly low-carb chocolate fudge almond bars.)

I would like to write in some retro-renegade style, like, no caps. Some of my virtual friends do so (that sounds dangerously like "imaginary friends," but I have met some of them and they seem real to me). But on me it just looks - well, affected. I hate affectation. I avoid it like the plague. I refuse to do anything that's cool. I am retro-anti-renegade. That sounds like something you'd put in your car.